Tooth Fairy Chronicles: Volume 2
Today was one of the most stressful and frustrating days in my career as Official International Molar Bicuspid and Canine Collector, or the Growing Smiles Tooth Fairy (as popular culture prefers to refer to me as). It’s not the job that has become overwhelming or anything. I’ve been involved in a copyright infringement lawsuit for around 237 years with the United States Postal Service and it still hasn’t progressed much further than a dead standstill. I’m trying to sue them because they’ve been using MY official motto as THEIR official motto since their creation in 1775. I’m sure you’ve heard it before. “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” Sound familiar? That’s because I’ve been using it since cavemen first cried “cavity!” And now because of this trial, they’ve made a liar out of me. On Sunday, it rained so hard the Hickory Crawdads were forced to cancel their game against the Savannah Sand Gnats because of the inclement weather. Along these lines, every child who woke up to find their own tooth under their pillow instead of some change assumed it was because of the excessive precipitation. This couldn’t be further from the truth. No matter how damp the infield gets at L.P. Frans Stadium, it’s never enough to dampen my drive to complete my duties. It’s just this silly trial has sidelined me for a bit, and I don’t have any time to spare. In fact, my good friend Dr. Ross Penland at Growing Smiles informed me that 73% of Americans would rather go grocery shopping than floss! Just imagine how many people lose teeth as a result! Anyway I must get going. I’m working double duty tonight as the Growing Smiles Tooth Fairy for the Hickory Crawdads and as Official International Molar Bicuspid and Canine Collector for, well, the world.
This is the Tooth Fairy’s 1st year with the Crawdads. Although he works nonstop, around the clock for most of the year, in his free time he enjoys baking, eating, and throwing pies, playing NBA Jam, and flossing.