Tooth Fairy Chronicles: Vol. V
It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to get a blog out to all ya’ll Crawdads fans out there, but I’ve been busy trying to find a new toothbrush capable of cleaning those dirty bases at L.P. Frans stadium. For those of you who attended the June 23rd game, you witnessed firsthand the atrocity that took place at 2nd base by the hands of Douglas “The Majik Man” Locascio. Here I am, minding my own business, providing my friends in the Crawdads front office a selfless service cleaning the bases when, literally, out of left field comes The Majik Man. First this character blinded me with baby powder, shoved me to the ground, stole my beautiful blue brush, and broke the top right off of it. It was a monstrosity that left my base-brushing apparatus in disrepair. No easy feat since, according to Dr. Ross Penland at Growing Smiles, the average toothbrush contains about 2,500 bristles grouped into about 40 tufts per toothbrush. The tufts are folded over a metal staple and forced onto pre-cored holes in the head and fused into the head with heat. The handle is made of at least two materials, usually plastic and rubber. So these things are engineered to clean teeth (or bases) for months at a time, depending on the level of vigor with which an individual brushes.
Thankfully, my good friend, WWE Hall of Famer Jerry “The King” Lawler, who happened to be in the neighborhood, intercepted the nefarious Majik Man before he was able to exit the infield. The King is not as benevolent and peace-loving as yours truly and was not about to take any flak from such a villain. The Majik Man attempted to baby powder The King but was met instead by a big ol’ boot to the gut followed by a flawless piledriver on the infield grass. The Majik Man was down for the count and the day was won.
Anyway, for this reason I have been wielding a refurbished brush and am looking for a replacement. Toothbrush shopping is a science and must be conducted with extreme attention to detail. On that note, I must be off. I’m headed to Cincinnati today for the 74th annual Technological Engineering for Exceptional Toothbrush Hygiene, or TEETH, convention, to see what advancements have been made in toothbrush technology in the past year. I think I might also stop and catch a baseball game at Great American Ballpark while I’m there since my favorite major league team, the Milwaukee Brewers, take on the Reds in a key three game series.
The Growing Smiles Tooth Fairy
This is the Tooth Fairy’s 1st year with the Crawdads. Although he works nonstop, around the clock for most of the year, in his free time he enjoys baking, eating, and throwing pies, playing NBA Jam, and flossing.